Another answer to a question from one of the e-lists I’m on. Lots of times, a neurotypical (NT) partner of an Aspie complains that their relationship leaves them feeling lonely. So, today’s question is:
Can anyone on the list suggest strategies that can help the AS partner improve the ‘lonely place’ their partner is in??
As the AS spouse of an AS person, I do have a few suggestions for the Aspie partner.
Mostly, they involve listening. NT people often love to talk, it’s our role to be good listeners. That doesn’t mean not interrupting, it means asking the right questions at the right times.
So, how do we know what the right questions are? That can vary, but there are some patterns:
- many women like to explore their feelings and motivations in conversation. So the right questions would be things like:
- how was your day?
- how did that make you feel?
- why do you think that happened?
- what on Earth were they thinking?
…
- others, often men, prefer concrete talk, with direct advice and solutions:
- what did you do today?
- what did you do about …?
- did you think about trying …?
- did your boss agree?
….
Of course, in either case, you pay attention to the topic and relate your questions to that.
Often, just 15 minutes of “active listening” a day can help a NT person feel less lonely. You might propose a plan where your spouse tells you about her/his day when they/you get home, for 15-20 minutes, before you go on to any other evening plans. Or work some active listening into your before bed routine.
Other ideas to help with the loneliness:
- find another couple or small group of people you both enjoy, and socialize with them every month or so. If you need an excuse, gaming/cards can work well. [I think bridge evenings were invented by an Aspie spouse!]
- find an activity/class you both enjoy (morris dancing, garden club, woodworking class), and sign up together. It’s ok if the activity is far from home, go together and do more active listening on the drive.
Other ideas? That’s what the comments section is for.
For my husband (NT) & I (AS), it’s just the opposite- I’m a talker (a member of On and on-and-on!), he’s a listener. My talking makes him want to withdraw; his silence makes me feel lonely. He hates those “man” sort of questions, though- they make him clam right up. He responds better to feeling sorts of questions. My problem is that I’m not good at intuiting his feelings- so it’s hard for me to think of the right questions to ask to get him to start talking. See..I need people to speak in order to know what they are thinking. I’m just not good at guessing if they don’t give me something to work with!
You know, something that really would help me is if my spouse asked me to share my ideas, opinions. For instance, what typically happens now is, we’ll watch a movie. Afterwards, I’ll ask spouse what he thinks of the movie. He’ll answer. And the “conversation” is then over. He never asks me what I thought. I feel as though my opinions and thoughts don’t matter to him. I guess what I’m trying to say is, if your significant other asks you to share your thoughts and ideas, be sure to reciprocate.
could you share which e-list you were writing about? as a lonely NT spouse of an undiagnosed (and in denial) rocket scientist aspie husband, i’m really interested in any info/e-lists/blogs you may have’know of. thanks!