Preteens, teens and young adults are interesting people. I have two in my household, an 11 1/2 year old who is just beginning to enter “the Snarky Years”, and his 16 1/2 year old sister, who is emerging from her teen defiance. Both appear quite NT.
Part of becoming an adult is breaking away from one’s parents and becoming an independent person. Depending on the teen, and the parents, this can take many forms, from outright defiance and rebellion to breaking family traditions. Though sometimes it’s hard for us to see our children growing up and away from us, it’s a necessary process, and will happen whether we want it to or not.
Teens with Aspergers go through this stage as well.
One interesting way some Aspie teens break away is to deny their Aspergers. Especially if they’ve been doing well, and can fit in with NTs, they begin to deny they have AS. “Trains? That’s not an Aspie obsession, it’s an interest.” “All teenage boys have problems talking to girls, it doesn’t mean I’m Aspie.” “It’s because Dad is Aspie, and I learned Aspie behaviors from him.”
It’s tempting to argue with the teen. We remember the meltdowns at age 6, the cluelessness about gift giving at 10, the Obsession of the Month … of course he’s Aspie, why can’t he see it? The answer is that he does, but is trying to form a new adult identity and he associates his AS with his childhood years.
My advice is to ignore his denials. You don’t have to agree that he isn’t AS, but don’t argue with him that he is. Instead, take a pragmatic approach. “Maybe you don’t have Aspergers, but if the school is willing to give you extra help, you’d be dumb not to take advantage of it.” “You’re almost done with high school, just one more month with that aide.”
Eventually, your Aspie kid will once gain realize there’s no shame in having Aspergers and will be able to accept that part of himself again. Or not … one of the most successful people I know refuses to admit his quirks are Aspergers, and he manages his life just fine.
rings true with me also. I think many of us adult Aspies who aren’t diagnosed until being older adtuls go through the same sort of, Well, you’re just nerdy/eccentric, or, that our autism isn’t “that bad. And all of us Aspies feel like we’re on the wrong planet. And if you go out of your house into the real world, you learn to mimic/mirror NT behaviour in order to survive. Being an Aspie in an NT world can be exhausting for all of us.