I haven’t posted as much as I’d like recently … real life has been getting in the way again.
This one’s a short tip — when possible, avoid asking your child why questions regarding motivation or reasons why s/he did something.
This is true for all kids, but especially Spectrum kids, who may not be in touch with their motivations.
Think about your own reasons for doing things, especially when you did something a bit impulsive or unconventional. Why did you drive 65 mph in a 55 zone? Daddy, why did you use a bad word about that other driver? Why did you drive through that yellow light? Why is Liz asking all these driving questions? The answer to this last is a plain, simple, I don’t know, they just came to me — which is the answer a lot of kids would give too.
Often a parent’s why questions are judgements of the kid: Why did you hit your sister? Why did you climb on the rocks after I told you not to? Most of thee questions can only be answered by a variation of “It seemed like a good idea at the time”, which is not what we parents are looking for.
And what would we do with an answer, anyway? I know the times I have asked why, I don’t get anything back that I can use in any constructive way. The answers don’t help my kids understand the situation.
So what can you ask instead? How about some yes/no questions designed to get your child to understand her own motivations: “I bet you thought climbing on those rocks would be fun, right? Let’s look at the rocks — they’re wet. Do you think wet rocks might be slippery? Yes, they are more slippery than dry rocks. What would happen if you slipped on them? Can you see why I didn’t want you to climb them?” This gives the kid a deeper understanding of the situation, one they can use to think through other things.
