If you have an Aspie in your family, you know how hard it is for them to give gifts, and how awkward it can be to receive gifts from them. It is common for an Aspie to give a gift they want badly, without thinking of what the recipient would like (here, have this model train, it’s my favorite) — or they get so confused they don’t give anything at all (well, you said you want sheepskin slippers, but there were two different colors and I didn’t know which one you’d want, so I didn’t get anything).
In this article, Dan Coulter gives advice that worked well in my family: specific wish lists:
One way to help ensure opening presents will be a positive experience is creating wish lists. Each family member makes and shares a list of things he or she would like. Others can choose from the list, or use it as a guideline to pick items that will be appreciated. Seeing a wish list also gives you an opportunity to manage expectations of children who ask for items beyond the giver’s price range.
From my experience, the more specific the list, the better. The slippers above were on my list, and I thought my size and a few details would be enough. But when my ex-husband decided to get them for me, he got lost in all the little decisions: which color do you want, are these the right type of hard soles, do you want the women’s wide or the men’s medium … I practically sat with him at his laptop and walked him through the order. Not much of a gift.
On the other hand, the knitting book I asked for (by title and author) came through perfectly.
It’s hard for a non-Aspie to plan wish lists at this level of detail. It seems unromantic and takes all the fun out of gift giving, which should be a happy surprise, right? Well, an Aspie is unlikely to understand how you want gift exchanges to work, and can’t understand the rules, which actually are quite complicated. As Dan Coulter says:
When you’re dealing with autism, creating your family’s greeting card moments may require extra planning and preparation. But if those moments wouldn’t exist without your effort, doesn’t that kind of make you an artist?
Hold that image in your head as you compose your next family holiday.
Without planning, it won’t happen at all … do you sacrifice the surprise or the whole event?
