On an e-mail list I’m on, two women both said their Asperger’s husbands always answer questions “No”, even when they later say “Yes”. They want to know why their husbands do this.
Since I do this as well, I thought to tell them why I do this, in the hope they will understand their spouses better.
I have what is known as a “negative first reaction”. If I am at all negative or unsure of my response, I’ll automatically say “no” without thinking. When my processing catches up with my mouth, I may have thought it through and the answer is “yes”. Or not, but I’ll know why I’m saying no.
I don’t think it’s because I dislike change, because most of these situations aren’t big changes. I think it’s just a less impolite way of saying “I know you need an answer right now, I feel like I’m being put on the spot and forced to give an answer before I’ve thought about the answer, and it’s easier to change from no to yes than the other way around, and I’m not very invested in either outcome, so I’ll just say no and not worry any more.”
Much of this is because Aspies tend to have slower processing speed than NTs — we not less intelligent, we just think a bit slower. We need to be given time to think before being pressed for an answer. [This is why I love e-mail and hate the phone.] To help cut down on the “no” answers, you need to show your Aspie that you will wait for them to think:
“You don’t have to answer right away, but I was wondering if . . .”
“I want your ideas on . . . no rush, I’ll wait for your answer.”
Think about . . . and tell me . . . ”
Once your Aspie has built up trust that you aren’t pressuring them for a fast answer, the nos may decrease, though you will get a pause instead.
