Communication for Adults

Sorry I haven’t written in a while … I’ll blame personal life. But as I was answering an e-mail, I realized this was blog post material.

The original post was about arguing with an Aspie spouse, and how to do it effectively. It was also about how an Aspie can build empathy. Mose people with AS do feel other people’s emotions, they just can’t express this feeling in an acceptable way.

When DH and I were in therapy the first time, we learned a communication technique that really works. It does feel a bit scripted, but it allows one partner to get all their feelings out, and feel *heard* in a safe way.

1. Partner 1 asks if this is a good time to talk. If yes, begin, if not, ask for a specific time *soon*.

2. Partner 1 states what is bothering them. However, they have to follow certain rules:
- use “I statements” — “when you do X, I feel Y”
- talk about yourself only, and how Partner 2′s *actions* affect you
- don’t make assumptions about Partner 2′s motivations, intent, or emotions
- no personal attacks on partner 2
- don’t go on and on, because the next step is:

3. Partner 2 restates what Partner 1 said. This can be word for word, or a rephrasing. At the end, Partner 2 asks “did I get that right?”

4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 until Partner 2 does get it right

5. Partner 2 now says “That makes sense, because anyone …” filling in the blank with whatever reason seems to make sense. Again, 2 asks if s/he got it right, and 1 corrects.

6. Partner 2 now says “And that must make you feel ….” trying to fill in the blank, asking if it’s right, and repeating.

7. At the end each partner thanks the other.

Trivial example:

1: Can we talk … OK … when it’s my turn to clean up after dinner, and you name every tiny task I need to do, I feel micromanaged. I feel like you think I’m incompetent, and that I have no brain and can’t figure anything out for myself. I’ve been cleaning up after dinner for 15 years, I know how to do it.

2: Let me see if I got that … after dinner, you get mad when I tell you what needs cleaning up. You’ve cleaned up for 15 years, and don’t like me to tell you what needs cleaning. Did I get that right?

1. Not quite … you missed that when you tell me what to do, I feel like you think I am stupid and can’t clean up by myself.

2. I don’t think you’re stupid.

1. I didn’t say you did … I said I think you think I’m incompetent, so you need to micromanage me. Can you repeat that?

2. You think I think you’re incompetent, and can’t clean the kitchen without me telling you what to do.

1. Yes. that’s what I meant. Let’s move on.

2. That makes sense, because anyone …. um … would be mad if someone thinks they can’t do something they can?

1. Yes, and I feel that way every time you tell me what to clean.

2. I’m sorry.

1. Let’s finish the dialog. How do you think that makes me feel?

2. Well, you said you were mad, and felt like you have no brain, and are stupid.

1. Yes, that’s how I feel, even though I know I’m not dumb. Do you understand now?

2. I do, and I’m sorry. I’ll try not to give you cleaning lists again. Thank you for telling me.

1. Thank you for listening.

This process gives partner 1 a safe way to state what’s bothering them, and gives partner 2 practice in empathy and interpreting emotions. Even though DH and I grew sick of the process (“that makes sense, anyone” will make us laugh), and rarely use the script anymore, we did learn a lot from doing this.